6 days ago
You're Estranged From Your Parent, But Your Sibling Isn't. Here's How to Cope.
Reviewed by Samantha Mann
If you're a fan of Sirens, then you watched the difficulties and conflicts that can arise when one sibling is estranged from a parent while the other is invested in their well-being. In this pivotal miniseries, sisters Devon and Simone butt heads over the care of and responsibility for their father, Bruce.
Simone has no interest in going back to Buffalo to care for her father after her traumatic childhood that often left her neglected, hungry, and dirty. Yet, Devon, who desperately needs help with their ailing father, simply cannot accept the fact that Simone has gone no-contact. This is a scenario that plays out in countless real-life families, not just on-screen.
In fact, researchers have found that nearly 55% of people report that parental alienation is common in their family. For many, abuse is at the root. If you're part of a family where you've gone no-contact with a parent and your sibling has not, you may be wondering how to deal with this situation and still maintain a relationship with your sibling. Here, experts offer tips on how to navigate these circumstances without further strain and disappointment.
Why Some People Go No-Contact With a Parent
According to researchers, estrangement can be a somewhat taboo topic because it's the polar opposite of what society feels a family "should" look like. This stigma leaves many people feeling immensely ashamed—and often too afraid to talk about their experiences.
But experts say estrangement is more common than you might expect and not something you should beat yourself up for—especially if you're the one who has decided to go no-contact.
'There is nothing in the rulebook that says you must love someone just because they're family,' says Jeff Temple, PhD, professor, licensed psychologist, and the associate dean for clinical research at the School Behavioral Health Sciences at UTHealth Houston. 'If someone is causing you harm or doing things you disagree with or if you simply don't like the person—you don't have to love them or talk to if they are family.'
The reasons for estrangement are often varied and can include everything from differences in personality and religious beliefs to political affiliations, injustices, toxic personalities, and abuse. Estrangement often disproportionally affects LGBTQ+ people; experts say that when comparing estrangement from fathers, members of the LGBTQ+ community are more likely to be in a no-contact relationship than heterosexuals.
'In my experience as a therapist, the underlying issue often involves a child facing some form of abuse, including neglect, physical, emotional, and mental abuse, which can potentially lead to PTSD,' says Minaa B., LMSW, author of Owning Our Struggles. 'Due to these factors, many individuals find it challenging to maintain contact with their abuser, resulting in parental estrangement.'
Ways to Reframe Estrangement
While it's never easy separating yourself from a parent, experts say it may be the healthiest and smartest thing to do. It is often a last-resort when other attempts at boundary-setting have failed, says Jill Vance, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Wellspire Counseling.
'This decision typically follows years of attempting to maintain a relationship that consistently causes emotional pain and/or psychological distress,' says Vance. 'For many, choosing no-contact is an act of self-preservation and a way to protect their mental health and break cycles of routine relational dysfunction. This decision is rarely impulsive and almost always layered with grief, guilt, and complexity.'
And while estrangement may sound like a bad word, Temple says it can also be looked at as a form of resilience where you choose your own psychological health over preserving a family relationship that may not deserve preserving.
How Estranged Relationships Can Impact Other Family Dynamics
It is important to note that estrangement rarely, if ever, occurs in a vacuum, says Temple. Instead, he says it can heavily involve and reshape the family system.
'Other family members may feel pulled into the conflict, feel like they must 'pick sides,' and often take on the role of mediator,' he says. 'All these situations tend to escalate tensions and highlight various family roles, boundary violations, and longstanding issues that have gone unspoken.'
When a sibling chooses to become estranged from a parent, it can burden the other siblings with the responsibility of being the primary caretakers of their parents, leading to feelings of resentment, stress, and anger toward the sibling who chose to leave, says Minaa B.—much like was seen in Sirens.
'When estrangement is hard to reconcile, it can feel like a form of betrayal by other family members, impacting their relational dynamics,' she says. 'Some family members might take it as a personal offense, leading to a disruption of the relationship, while others may feel inclined to convince the estranged person to make contact again.'
These dynamics also can lead to a sense of imbalance, awkwardness, or even confrontation of challenging relational dynamics that have been long avoided, adds Vance. 'For some, it opens the door to deeper honesty; for others, it can create painful divisions.'
Strategies For Maintaining Your Sibling Relationship
Maintaining sibling bonds in the context of parent-child estrangement requires intentionality, openness, and respect, says Vance. Here are some strategies for maintaining your relationship and minimizing conflict.
Avoid Triangulation
One of the most important things to look out for is triangulation, says Vance. 'Triangulation is a psychological and relational dynamic where two people in conflict involve a third person to reduce tension or stabilize the relationship—often at the cost of healthy boundaries and direct communication.'
In order to avoid this, Vance says not to use the connected sibling as the go-between for intel about or indirect communication with the parent. 'One effective way to accomplish this is for siblings to set firm boundaries about what topics are off limits for conversation.'
While these conversational boundaries may feel challenging or restrictive, Vance says it's essential to respect each other's needs in order to prevent dragging parent-child conflict into the sibling relationship. 'You don't have to agree on the relationship with your parent, but honoring one another's decisions preserves mutual respect.'
Find Common Ground
According to Vance, it's equally important for the siblings to check in relationally, not just logistically. 'Taking steps to ensure that your bond does not just revolve around managing the estrangement is key.'
Also, keep in mind that just because you share a history with your sibling, you don't share perspectives, says Temple. 'You have different histories and experiences. And both your perspectives are valid.'
Refrain From Being Judgmental
In relationships, people want to feel safe and know that their needs are heard, even if those needs are not understood by other family members, says Minaa B.
'This means that when a person chooses to be estranged from a parent, they want that choice to be respected rather than being pressured to change their mind, guilt-tripped, or made to feel responsible for someone they prefer not to be accountable for,' she says.
How to Approach Holidays or Family Gatherings
Holidays tend to be an emotionally loaded time for individuals who are estranged from their parent or parents, says Vance. 'This is often a time when estranged parents will attempt to make contact with their children, which may lead to intense feelings of grief, guilt, and anxiety.'
Vance recommends that you make a strategic plan about when/how/if you will check email, texts, and even snail mail to avoid being taken off guard with unexpected and undesired contact. Also, if attending family gatherings is out of the question, she suggests considering creating your own rituals.
'Holidays don't have to follow inherited scripts,' says Vance. 'It's OK to build new traditions that reflect your current values and emotional needs.'Overall, knowing how to navigate the holidays when you are estranged from a parent, can be a challenge, says Temple. 'If you involve yourself, the reason you're estranged will likely emerge. If you don't involve yourself, you may feel left out and lonely.'
He says some things you can do to soften the blow are:
Talk openly beforehand with your sibling about what you're comfortable discussing.
Discuss mutual strategies you can use to avoid or pivot away from certain topics if they come up.
Choose how you connect. For example, he says you can limit your time or celebrate separately.
Set realistic expectations, acknowledge the fact that it won't go perfectly, and plan for it.
'Remember that you are not required to attend family gatherings of any kind,' says Temple. 'If they are too hurtful or no longer work, create new rituals and find meaningful ways to mark occasions that feel safe and authentic.'When to Reach Out for Help
If you notice that being estranged from a parent is disrupting your mental health, Minaa B. says it can be helpful to reach out to a therapist who can provide you with tools for managing your trauma, the challenges of estrangement, and all the grief and complex emotions involved in the process.
Many people experience family struggles of one kind or another, adds Temple. However, if the estrangement is interfering with your daily functioning, emotional health, or ability to maintain other relationships, he says it's time to reach out to a therapist.
Minaa B. adds, "Support groups for people who choose parental estrangement can also serve as an emotionally healing space to grieve, unpack, and process your emotions in a community with others who can relate."
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